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wMonday, May 24, 2004 |
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and so it goes
well my day has begun ceremoniously shittily. i had such a good and calming end of the week and weekend too. i knew it had to be too good to be true. and now i'm sitting here at work. unfocused. frustrated. upset that i let my personal issues get in the way too often of other things i should be doing. upset i let certain people affect me so much. but i know it's all just a sign of that i care about them despite all of it and maybe more than i should. but i can't turn the fountain off as much as i would like to. it bothers me to know that i can be replaced so easily. i've always been easily replaced by everyone, except michael maybe. you say i mean this and meant that but all i get is the opposite. michael weirdly said last night, "you have so many friends," to which i responded, "yeah, but hardly any good friends." after unreturned phone calls, broken plans, failed engagements, i feel like nothing more but lines on this silly site to so many. don't get me wrong, there are a few great people in my life and i know i am not thankful enough for/to them. i've debated numerous times if this site should come to an end...and maybe it would be for the best. it's helped me through a lot of things over the past couple years. shown some people other sides of my personality they might not have ordinarily gotten to see. and the part i would miss most, endeared me to complete strangers. the 1000th post is coming up in the next week or so...maybe that would be the best way to end it? 1-1000. ironically enough, the season finale of the simpsons last night was about burns buying out all the media outlets in springfield and shutting them all down. maybe i'm finally being bought out and shut down too, not with money unfortunately, but with scattered emotions, misstrewn words, and my deaf monologue.
best,
chris
np: a camp "frequent flyer"
i need something to direct me to it
posted by
Superball9 at 11:10 AM |
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it is all about you, you see
i find it odd the scores of people who admittedly (and unadmittedly) won't talk to me but yet continue to read this thing. then scour between the lines trying to find reference to themselves, and occasionally comment back anonymously. maybe it's there, maybe it's not, maybe it really doesn't fucking matter. but why if you won't talk to me will you waste your time reading this thing? if you admittedly don't care what i have to say to you, then why would you care what i have to say to the rest of the world. why would you read this thing, but not my emails, and then rebuke my attempts to clear up anything that might or might not have been said face-to-face. let's just get settled on one thing, okay? if i don't mention you...it's not about you. you'll save yourself a lot of frustration, and me a lot of unnecessary explanation. somethings are just bigger than one person. bigger than you. bigger than me. and often times they go unnamed.
best,
chris
np: a camp "frequent flyer"
would you help me back my bags
posted by
Superball9 at 9:26 AM |
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wSaturday, May 22, 2004 |
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my tales
listening to this new singer, Joe Firstman now. he's pretty good. voice is very reminiscent of adam duritz from the counting crows. the music is pretty good. haven't paid much attention to the lyrics yet. but this ep (and his cd) was produced by rick parker and ...drumroll... has backing vox by miranda lee richards. you can totally here her influence on "lies." also listened to lamya, sondre, mia doi todd, and snowpony sea shanties for spaceships today. this snowpony cd isn't as good as their previous one, the slow-motion world of snowpony. plus there's no tracks as greatly titled as "three can keep a secret (if two are dead)."
had a good time with hans last night. went to dinner, then to see shrek 2. it was decent. i'll give it a B-. very good soundtrack though. tom waits as a pub singer, the counting crows song is catchy, the eels, pete yorn, and frou frou's cover of "holding out for a hero" which sadly wasnt used in the movie but part of which is played over the first part of the end credits. today we went to the outlets in hagerstown and i got a couple pairs of shorts, a pair of flip-flops (my first pair since i was a kid), a nationwide road atlas, alain de botton's the consolations of philosophy, plus some gifts. went back to his place before parting ways. i stopped by the frederick record & tape traders on my way home since i happened to drive by it & picked up an advance of citizen cope's new cd (only $1), this joe firstman wives tales ep, lamya learning from falling (as a gift), plus mia doi todd the golden state (which left me unimpressed...sorry jill). i enjoyed frederick. it's a cute little town. though i can see why anyone under 30 would get a little restless there.
tom'w is ... nothing. was having a pretty good evening doing nothing. listed to the cd that came with the new tori dvd, watched the emm dvd, spent part of the afternoon chatting with tom in nyc, don in la, & sam in az. got a little depressed all of a sudden. couple random emails will do that to you i guess, huh? i think i'm getting the new car next week. not sure why the bad mood came :-/ maybe i'm just tired. maybe it'll leave as quick as it came. who knows. got a nice message today from kyle from friendster. which made me smile. hopefully he'll IM me soon. well, madTV is about to start. and it's saturday. and i'm home alone. and i suppose i should watch it.
best,
chris
np: joe firstman "rest my case"
the pie is for the princess of pretention
posted by
Superball9 at 10:43 PM |
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wMonday, May 17, 2004 |
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upheaval
so for some odd reason i vomited tonight. my favourite colours in the world beat against my eyelids with the wings of hummingbirds not quite sure why. i had a couple microwaveable chicken sandwiches for dinner, some tea, a banana rum & coke, and that was it. i can see me dancing on the radio i can hear you singing in the blades of grass this is gonna sound weird, but i always feel better after a good vomit. i feel like it's a little cleansing. it's been about a month or so, so i was about due. i also think i need to start getting back on my prevacid prescription & even though i have a full bottle, may look at getting it refilled so i have some when i'm out in LA. there was a time when i was vomiting every 2-3 days, but that was because i was drinking too much and it wasnt sitting well in my system. but i'm glad those days are over...the vomiting anyways. i miss the drinking. have things set up for the next couple nights. napoleon dynamite tomw with gretchen & heather (& jamie?), then crashing at gretchen's new pad. night of girl talk maybe? wednesday i'll be hanging & crashing with sam. it'll be good to hang with him through the week, after work kind of thing. you think we'd do it more often since our offices & his apt are so closely related but we only seem to hang out on weekends. maybe this will change that for the next couple months. thursday is movie club then hopefully i'll be all clear to head back home. friday after work i'll head up to frederick to visit & stay with hans before outlet shopping at hagerstown on saturday. pretty much decided i'm not going to steve poltz or zero 7 on wednesday, unless sam wants to. or the thrills on saturday, though i have the feeling they put on a great show, so... chatting with thomas again who i really haven't talked much to or seen in the past couple years, right about when michael & i started dating, so hopefully it looks like we'll be able to hang out again and catch up next week sometime. which will be good since i always enjoyed going to movies, etc. with him. hmm, i think that will be it for tonight really. i'm almost to my 1000th post kiddies. who's excited?!? it's always fun to go back in time & see where i was at on this day last year. (getting ready for a weekend in boston with brian two years ago & last year was lamenting being recently dumped & getting ready to move into the new place with gretchen.) need to start keeping my tennis racket & clothes in my car for impromptu games with jason & rob. yay for tennis players.
oh, and tom & i decided that my country-sleaze band will be named: Cocktease Chris & The Six-Inch Shooters.
best,
chris
np: venus hum "wordless may"
if there were eyes as pretty and blue id want to swim in to
posted by
Superball9 at 10:45 PM |
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a lay of convenience
well today hasn't been the greatest of days. monday, should've known. found out jordan doesn't ever really want to speak to me again. and it hurts more than i imagined it would. and i can't say that my eyes didn't well up any sitting at work today reading that email. i've been replaced. it's okay. it's been admitted. i got the "it's not that i'm saying that you're not worth it" bullcrap followed by excuses ranging from the distance from my office to his (a few blocks), my increasing distance outside of the city now (an hour), and my future distance outside of the city in a couple months (3,000 miles). well, no, if i was worth it you'd be my friend or at the least would've taken me up on my offer to discuss things over lunch rather than through email and passive-agressive blog communication. i can't say this doesn't make me feel any better about my previous thoughts regarding the matter and only makes me feel even more like i was only play. a lay of convenience if you will. learn this lesson kids: not everything can be made right. i tried and all my energy was for not, and this horrible lesson. some people just aren't worth it, and sometimes you're the one who's just not worth it. so where does this leave me feeling like a bruised piece of shit. like a fool for trying to show somebody that maybe i made a mistake. for trying to show somebody that you still cared about them. for trying to right a wrong. for using that regret. for fucking using it. olive branches only grow so big. this one will definitely be a character in the 'last night' screenplay.
"stupid memory" gave me chills again today driving home. this goes down in the books as one of the songs i wish i wrote or could play. lindsay will teach me, right adam? crashing with gretchen tom'w night. trying for sam on wednesday night. its pouring down rain right now but its bright outside. i think this is also referred to as a "frog storm." song lyric i wrote on the way home: "but beggars cant be choosers / when you're a fucking loser." i had a good couplet earlier this weekend but i've forgotten it. it'll be one of my many "hits"...i'm even talking to phil collins's people...but then again, aren't we all? microwave chicken sandwiches for dinner. despite the fact my parents are drunks, theres still not enough alcohol in this house for me. need to finish arranging my room and get my cds out of their boxes. i want to see grey gardens. who wants to rent it with me? can't wait for my new car. matt was right last night: i am talking about it like one of those crazy brainwashed people. you'd think i was getting a saturn or something. telling more people i'm leaving work. they all seem to be lamenting i'm like the only sane one in my office. and apparently there was a lot of turnover in the position before i settled in there, lol. no surprise. mr job stability /=/ mr love stability. "so what are you going to do in LA?" "loaf."
best,
chris
np: rufus wainwright "greek song"
all the pearls of china fade astride a volta
dont sew beelines to anybody's hide
save your poison for a lover who is on your side
posted by
Superball9 at 4:52 PM |
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the visitors
adam came in yesterday. we had fun. went to see sondre. he was going to stay longer this weekend but unfortunately got an important call drawing him back to nyc today as opposed to tom'w. the sondre show was very good though. did a lot of stuff off of two way monologue and it translated nicely on just guitars & pedal steel too. he had the crowd in the palm of his hand & it seemed like the show went by so fast. if there was a musical equivalent of my personality, i think it would be him. rufus is a bit too grandiose & over the top, ed is a bit too morose and downtrodden. but sondre captures the coolness with his cocktail-pop sounds, the silent heartbreak in his lyricism, and the exquisite beauty and mystery in his instrumental bridges/sections. he is cuteness personified too. i'm really attracted to his kind of person...slender body, thin nose, angular face, tossled hair, light voice, blue eyes. perfection. got to meet him afterwards & he signed my cd but rushed right through me :-/ oh well. he's so dapper though. and that really is the best word to describe him, "dapper."
also got to meet charlotte martin who played an interesting opening set. (paul, give me your address, i have something for you). i also get a shirt of hers that says "i'm normal, please date me." which could be my motto. i got a large b/c the medium looked tiny. and normally i wear smalls. i should've went with the medium anyway. i'm hoping it'll shrink. anyone know any good way to shrink clothes. she was very "berkeley tori" if you will. and really nice & sweet afterwards. we held hands for a few minutes as she was talking to another person. and she signed my cd to "cute chris." call me "cute chris" or anything chris alliterative and i'm yours. her favorite song of mine though was the "please date me, i'm normal" song.
we met these two crazy people there who were at our table. better crazies than borings though. trisha & danny. trisha from baltimore, danny her gay cousin from orlando. we knew it would be a fun night when they hadnt been sitting down 5 mins and we knew she was having a hystorectomy. and they both like their alcohol very much. trisha though is straight out of baltimore, lol. platinum hair with black roots. works in a steel mill. adam got to talk to her more than i did, as danny & i were chatting. danny was cute. reminded me a lot of brian in nyc. we traded info after the show so i'll probably email him or something in the next day or so. he is very orlando though. with a total stoner laugh. lol. and i realized that someone's laugh is important to me. it has to be a good laugh. good laughs are so irresistable but bad laughs...could be dealbreakers.
was nice to meet adam. he came in from nyc on the bus. i walked him a block or two around dc before we made our way out to annapolis. once in annapolis we parked our car and wandered around the city, getting chilly drinks at starbucks b/c we both had to pee. did some more walking, along the water, historic sights. even got to walk on a drawbridge that was going up. ate at the rams head. got there in time for happy hour and their beer is very good...and $2 drafts too. almost got the night's special, the lerche tournedos, named after sondre of course...but went for the funkytown fish & chips or something like that. then just hung around our table till the show doors open. and i love last night how 2 light beers & 2 chocolate martinis had no effect on my driving or anything last night, lol. let's here it for the alcoholics in the audience.
in music news, frou frou is covering "holding out for a hero" on the shrek 2 soundtrack. tori's live dvd/cd comes out this week. steve poltz is playing wednesday night at jammin java. 50 foot wave (featuring kristin hersh) is doing an in-store tomw in dc that i'm going to try to catch.
dropped adam off this morning at the greyhound station so he could take care of his special nyc engagement. a lot of the roads were blocked. gave him a driving tour of dc & the monuments & old town. not sure what the plan is for tonight? maybe supersize me with shervin if im lucky. maybe call sam. or i would be happy just sitting around doing nothing, relaxing...ah, relaxing. need to talk to matt too. haven't heard from hans in a couple days. nothing going on for tomw, so...
best,
chris
np: ben kweller "on my way"
i wanna kill this man but he turned around & ran
i'll kill him with karate that i learned in japan
posted by
Superball9 at 3:16 PM |
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